#2978 I feel like an after thought to my friends. I guess I shouldn't have stopped my therapy sessions. I can't seem to rely on my supposed support system

#2977 I just put myself out there. Here's to hoping you feel the same way. If not, it'll hurt but I will be O.K. I just hope we can still be friends.

#2975 I'm about to rant about panic attacks. I don't expect people who don't have a mental illness to read this, but I'd appreciate if you did. Many people who like this page know me. They will probably recognize how I write my sentence. To you all: if you ask me if this was me I will say "no". (1) so it truly is anonymous for me and (2) because I want people to realize that this can be anyone. It could be YOUR best friend.

I suffer from anxiety. My sister showed me the "Spoon Theory" the other day (look it up if you're interested in what I have to say here). It was very spot on. I suffer from extremely low self-esteem, mostly because of environmental factors growing up (like being told I'm obese, selfish, and stupid every day of my life by the person I was supposed to obtain all of my self-respect and confidence from).

When I wake up in the morning it is there. An potential... a potentially HUGE panic attack. I can't foresee any of them, but I have learned over the years to prevent triggers such as not sleeping enough, talking to someone who I've developed anxiety about (exes, angry friends, disappointed instructors/bosses). I have to plan my day out to reduce my anxiety, while preventing more from happening. For example, homework gives me anxiety. I have a project due in 2 days and I'm not even a quarter done with it. I can reduce my anxiety for today by relaxing and not thinking about, but then I will have an even worse attack tomorrow when I force myself to start. By attack, I mean that words begin to shower through my brain. Each phrase feels like someone is stabbing me. "Worthless, No self-control, stupid, incompetent, unattractive" and they will repeat themselves in 30 different ways every time I do one part of the project. I don't want you to think about how I can "not procrastinate". That's not the point. The point is that when a healthy person starts working on a project, their self-esteem is not in jeopardy.

I have these problems because my self-confidence is maintained on a day to day basis. My self-confidence comes in spoons. I have a limited amount of confidence when I wake up every morning because I'm very bad at producing enough of them constantly to have the reserve when I'm down to think "No, I am not ugly, stupid, or worthless... in fact I'm beautiful, intelligent, and someone lovable". I can increase my spoons (unlike the girl with lupus who wrote the Spoon Theory) by doing good things that make me feel good about myself. For example, I forced myself to learn to cook more dishes this week so I can eat better (not feel fat) and feel competent (a guy dumped me once because I didn't know how to cook) that I'm capable of being adventurous which people like. If you notice, it wasn't a "fun idea" to learn to cook. It was a survival method because so many things were making me sad.

The other coping method is to have someone tell me I'm doing well. This is the root of all my unhealthy relationships. When I am single the world is very scary to me. I have such low confidence in myself that a single person getting mad at me can make me depressed for a week straight. My boyfriends have always ended up being my safety blanket. If a guy hugs me at the end of a scary day, it's not quite as scary anymore (which only comes to show how delusional the "problem" was to begin with... but really it's so real in my head... "worthless, ugly, stupid, rude, selfish, crude, immature... etc"). I've been trying so hard to fix this because every time I fall for someone who's really nice, even when we're doing perfectly well... the second I get anxious about something, I'll start wishing he'd comfort me. I can resist that, but the moment I feel that craving, the words start spilling out "dependent, clingy, crazy, weak weak WEAK unattractive UNATTRACTIVE", and I start crying and shivering and not being able to walk or talk properly because I hate myself so much.

I know I don't have to hate myself. But the nature of the panic attack is that it's hard to believe reality because the fears in your head are so much more REAL. It's almost like I'm seeing things. I SEE him walking out the door... which also doesn't exist.

Lots of people say I'm awesome I just need to stop being crazy. I am smarter than 99.9% of the world, almost everyone I meet thinks I'm at least a nice person if not awesome, I am very talented at several things, and I love making people laugh. So just stop freaking out. But to me, that is definitely denying who I am. That I have anxiety. That anxiety is a part of me. It is the thing I think about when I first wake up ... the thing I prepare for all day but doing good things for myself and for others, and before I go to sleep I make sure I did enough things today that when I wake up tomorrow I don't feel overwhelmed and start crying. I need to take care of it like any other illness and hope eventually I will get good enough at constantly taking care of it that it'll stop having symptoms. I will garner exponential amounts of confidence over time that I can combat the negative brainwashing I'd been exposed to for 20 years... until they start getting quiet, and maybe silent. Then I'll be stronger than most healthy people, and I'll be able to help others who've been through the same, crazy experience. But it's hard. It's so hard. I don't think you have to be nice to someone who will throw a fit at them SIMPLY because you are the most important person in her life.

I don't think you should. I think people should pursue people that make them happy. And I'm working hard to be one of those people that doesn't hurt the people I love most. But I hope that... people understand just how courageous the men and women are who fight mental illness. They are fighting 1000 battles every day that you don't have to fight. Please don't be skeptical of a person with an mental illness. Some people ARE just fucking lazy, but you wouldn't find that misery, hope, and dismay in their eyes... that you'll most definitely see in ours.

#2976 I'm the guy who writes smut. In response to the comments on #2955, I'm sorry, but that writing was hilariously awful.

I write stories that contain explicit acts, not Fifty Shades fanfics.

#2974 I'm with the big dicked guy who posted a while back but I am not him. It's not all sunshine and rainbows, I'll tell you that. Do you know how awkward it is to take a crap with a big flaccid penis? When I wake up in the morning, I have to be careful about not hitting the water in the toilet or the inside of the bowl that's not covered with water. Good thing all the cigarettes and energy drinks cut my size down to a more manageable level for the rest of the day.

But on the plus side, besides the obvious, I completely rock going outside in nothing but my underarmour sleeping boxers and look like a boss while I smoke away.

#2973 Just want to say I hope everyone has a wonderful day! :)

#2972 Grehg why does it matter if all these girls can spell your name if they pronounce it correctly when they are moaning for you?

#2971 I've been talking to this guy for about five months. He makes it clear that he really wants a physical relationship. He isn't the most reliable so I'm hesitant about having any kind of relationship with him. Should I wait it out and see if he gets his act together or just let it go?