I really want to graffiti a giraffe on some sidewalk and I'll call it giraffiti.

So today I was in the HLC and got on a packed elevator with my friend and at the last second a girl tried to get on so I yelled "NOOOOO" and tried to catch the doors before they closed and it didn't work so then I spend the rest of the way laughing myself to tears. I'm pretty sure I made that girl and everyone on the elevator completely uncomfortable. But I still think it was the funniest most dramatic thing that's happened all week. You're welcome, world.

Over the past weekend I have learned a valuable lesson about pussy. If it takes like trout, get the fuck out. If it tastes like chicken, keep on lickin.

I shot the sheriff.... but I didn't shoot the deputy.

I once got my tongue stuck to a pole....my friend peed on my tongue to get it unstuck.

Word of advice to guys just trying to hookup: don't fucking forehead kiss the girl, that shit is too relationship like. The only things you should be kissing are my lips and my lady parts

I had an ex-girlfriend that drew a dinosaur on my penis with a green magic marker. That was the best relationship I've ever had.

To the girl I was talking to about your "wolf" tattoo (you know what I'm talking about) I want to just get naked with you and play twister, maybe monopoly or something.