i just heard my mom say “there’s no reason to act like a dick” and there’s no one else downstairs so i know she’s talking to one of our cats

the fact that Donald Trump will die in my lifetime is a very comforting thought

Always remember to eat a healthy breakfast so you can run from the cops

I put a blue screen of death as a screensaver for my 67 year old aunt's computer. Merry Christmas.

As a Christian man, the dating scene is hard. Not because we're supposed to practice abstinence, but because the Christian women are so freakin' ugly. I get it, God loves you for you, but girl, please, put in some kind of effort. I swear they're all really fat, wear baggy clothing or have never used makeup a day in their lives. I'm calling you out Chi Alpha, Intervarsity.

My ex dumped me during Hanukkah, the Jewish equivelant of Christmas. What a c word. I'm not even mad at this point. If she ever comes back around, I have a huge F You for her.

So my girlfriend just found out that i pay people for there worn socks

Ladies: Being "strong and independent" is not the same as being a bitch. As a guy, the only thing more intimidating than a strong and independent bitch is a woman who is strong and independent but still has a personality that makes you feel warm inside whenever you talk to her. Not trying to get all sentimental, but I'm just saying. It's kind of a tragedy how few girls like that are left.