I want you to be happy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness

Oh no, I just saw this attractive girl and didn't have the balls to speak or get a number from her; time to whine about it on Confessions.

You couldn't pay me a million dollars to get a Tinder. I think it is so strange to base a relationship off both of you thinking the other was hot enough to chose pressing a heart over pressing an x. I don't want to know that you swiped the other direction on 50 girls before you settled on me.

To the person who said they saw a chick in one of their classes that was also in a porno, I am curious who you are referring to. But I guess that shall remain a mystery due to privacy.

If you are married or have a girlfriend, can you please not flirt with other girls? It just makes them think you're a cheater.

My roommate asked me to manscape him front and back.sure, why not. Who would have thought I could make so much money shaving sacks and cracks for like 12 dudes in my dorm. And they all tell me to keep it a secret until one of their buddies text me "dude, need a favor, my girl ...blah, blah, blah" if you hear two guys in a shower it's not what you think. ka-Ching. Next! (I do awesome work BTW). #CollegeHustle

Twisty the Clown from AHS is going to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.

If loving me is work, I'm not a job to take.