I want to go up to someone that looks really despondent and give them a great big hug because nobody on this earth deserves sadness.

To the dude screaming black hawk down in the Wilson bathroom, that must of been a huge shit.

My old boss wouldn't call me by my preferred name because it wasn't what appeared on my paycheck. He was the only one that had issue with my name, so I started calling him a horrendous bastardization of his own. He almost fired me, until I explained my reasoning to him. Thank god he took the hint.

I have this jar of fake blood that looks absolutely fantastic, my own recipe. As such, whenever I have to use it for some reason or another, people give me weird looks because I'm carrying it around. I respond by sticking my finger in and licking it clean while they stare, then offer some to them. Little do they realize that it tastes like chocolate.

To the people of Cowden: Should a Zombie Apocalypse break out, I intend to use your building as a base of operations to survive. I already have everything planned out, and I will not hesitate to throw those that disagree with me to the dead.

I want a girl who is just as ridiculous as I am. The kind of person that will burst out in disney showtunes at the slightest provocation, make references that nobody else gets, have an incredibly scatterbrained train of thought, and kiss me like I've never been kissed before just to shut me up if I'm rambling.

Whenever people ask me what my astrological sign is, I respond with, "I'm a plague on humanity." If they actually get the fact that I'm a Cancer, I'll ask for their number right at that moment.

My roommate is a really light sleeper and stays in bed until noon. I've started waking him up because I sing in the shower. He doesn't say anything though he is invariably out of bed by the time I'm out of the bathroom. I feel proud because I'm an efficient alarm clock.