The beach trip between Edwards and Coffin Hall was awful to me. I wish the RAs planned it better.

Honestly, I don't think there is any way I could feel more alone. I have no family, I have no friends, nobody who cares. It's me against the world, but there's no way to escape defeat until I'm part of the ground rotting into eternity.

I catch myself staring at people because, in that moment, they are beautiful and it speaks to my artistic aesthetic. I want to memorize that moment, the way the nose is arched, the way the lips are pursed, and intensity in their eyes. I just love to observe and see how God has knitted people's bodies and faces together. And yes, I do sometimes stare at people's bodies (both male and female). It's not because I am lusting after them, but because I am amazed at how God created so many unique individuals, and how I want to remember that beauty.

In case you can't tell, yes, I am an art major.

I am a skinny girl and I have ADD. I take medication for it, and part of the side effects is that I don't have an appetite most of the time. I already had a fairly high metabolism before I started taking the meds years ago. Now though, I get really annoyed when other girls are jealous of my weight/figure or comment "I wish I could take your meds!" No. You don't. I don't want to be this skinny, it's not healthy, but when I don't take my meds I lose a lot of my cognitive awareness and ability to stay on top of my responsibilities. I don't like being underweight, but without my meds I feel dumbed down.

It makes it hard to relate to people, because while everyone understands that it can be impossible to lose weight, for me it's ridiculously hard to gain weight. I'm doing my best to eat regular meals (including extra protein/weight-gain shakes), but I don't gain more than a pound that I will only lose later that week. I really wish I could gain more weight so that I wouldn't have to see my ribs when I look in the mirror. I don't want to be skin in bones. But at this time, it's hard to find a solution to it without stopping my meds altogether. :/

Thanks for reading my rant. Just needed to express it and get it out there.

Side note:
Due to the context of this post, some people may recognize who I am or have a good idea. Please respect my anonymity and do not call me out, publicly or privately.

I have also been struggling with porn/madturbation. One thing to remember is that it hijacks one of your most core functions - sexuality, it tricks your mind. I just barely made it a month without viewing/lapsing and then lapsed. It's like my mind lost all it's clarity in 1 moment. I don't understand people who say it doesn't hve a negative effect (unless they're in denial) - it does. And by the way the APA recognizes addiction to pornography.

Sometimes when I am wearing a dress I twirl the bottom of it to look cute, but really I just farted and I am trying to air it out.

I'm too fabulous to be featured on GFU Hotties.

I hate it when my female friends invite me to dinner. Seriously? I'm a grown up, independent person. I can flipping feed myself, you sexist jerks.