#24219 I accidentally got very, very drunk last Thursday at cactus. Threw up, blacked out, and somehow made it home. Anyone help a wasted female up the hill? Pink top, black shorts.

#24218 Literally so sick and tired of being single.....

#24217 that 70s show honestly pisses me off

#24216 Team Valor is a bunch of loser crybabies.

#24215 I wax my gooch every month

#24214 I hate beer that's been dry-hopped like crazy. Or maybe I hate Amarillo hops. Or maybe more accurately, I hate that half the time when I get a new IPA, it's going to smell like onions, or cat pee, or old weed, or all three

#24213 I am a very mentally sick individual. Have been since my early teens I suppose. I have done sick, abusive things and generally have a perverse and psychopathic mind, or at least have for a very long time.

But at age 30 I've been trying to re-program myself to be someone who anyone with a heart would be willing to share the same air with. This is not as easy as it sounds, because I'm not sure I still have a heart or if my emotional intelligence can ever be restored at all, but I'm slowly but surely trying.

What's weird is it feels like I'm at least two people at all times - the cretinous monster, and the one who attempts to be a voice of reason and understanding that tries to keep it in check at all times.

If anyone working in mental health is reading this and has time to answer a question: is it healthy to use this method to try to regain empathy and be the person you want to be (smart, kind, positive, basically the opposite of sick, grating, harmful, negative, etc)? Or could it potentially be problematic to my mental health and those around me?

I'm just afraid of...as much as I hate to admit it, look, I've been a sick, hateful fuck (without realizing it) for so long that a lot of it has kinda become my identity for now to some degree. But I'm also educated and have, or at least seem to have, a memory of what love is (unconditional love from grandparents and a small spark of romantic love from a few dates I went on) to work from.

I mean, if you just choose to be a miserable, despicable bastard who mostly just brings misery and discomfort to non-toxic people, what's the point in even being alive? You'll be weeded out of society, as well you should.

You might say "just be yourself and surround yourself with likeminded assholes", but I HATE these qualities in myself and to see them reflected back at me (or worse ones ) via other assholes would be my own personal hell.

And I want to live and be loved and be capable of love, I don't want to be thrown to the wolves. At least I'm trying to change. I'm also not religious, and I've researched many religions and don't feel comfortable being religious. I feel most grounded when seeing things from a more scientific worldview, that's just me.

But it's weird because it almost feels like I'm becoming a totally different person by training myself to be more sociable. How would you feel if a sibling or parent or best friend or anyone you knew well and perhaps cared about mentally erased much of their past and seemingly became a completely different person, one who seemed to maybe have a change of heart and any sick, disturbing or hateful things about them seemed to be permanently kept in check but the person you knew was no longer there...wouldn't that be kind of unsettling?

Like, at what point are you someone toxic who got their shit together vs. just a civil, but in some ways equally infuriating, hypocrite?

#24212 It might be more delusion than intuition, but does anyone else respect trailblazing artist as much as me to the point in thinking/speculating that most everyone in, for example, the entertainment industry or the arts (aside from stuff like broadway where there isn't enough time to do much but stick to the script and put in insane amounts of work) is almost always waaaaaaay smarter than their public persona?

Obviously we know that the Kardashians and cast of Jersey Shore seem like idiots, when in reality they are of average or above average smarts and play that down when the cameras are on (to a science, in fact, which is harder than it seems - to be a fool is easy, but to be one so many want to watch is not, I bet you).

Another example, artists that were/are seen to be geniuses via their known work - Kubrick, Tarantino, R. Crumb, Kendrick, Beyonce, Malick, Aphex Twin, Pynchon, MJ, The Beatles, Hendrix, etc - actually hold back A LOT, and what you see in their official filmography or discography or whatever...that's just the stuff they make for general audiences.

The movies/music/etc they REALLY want to make and maybe DO make (but don't release to anyone but their friends) are works that are decades ahead of their time, exploring themes and styles that might not exist until the next or even following generations.

It's difficult to imagine someone being that smart or prolific, and maybe I sound like a delusional stan at this point, but I really do feel/suspect that someone in that position (and this is only in regards to famous artists. You will find geniuses in just about any position, from homelessness/poverty to blue collar jobs, therapy, etc)....I have a feeling that anyone that smart and sane sees the world in a more cynical way and doesn't give a damn about fame as much as using their gift to improve the state of humanity any way they can, usually without drawing attention to themselves.

Just a theory coming from someone who has been floored with meeting people way, WAY smarter than him anywhere and from all walks of life.