Friday, 30 September 2016 01:31 AM
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#24762 4 years ago, on valentines day, a girl walked into my life, beyond beautiful, eyes so alluring, voice of an angel, looks that makes your heart stop, personality that made you love her every time you saw her... She ruined my life, made me cry for the first time since I could remember, shattered everything about me, and left me basically for dead. In that time I dropped even lower going on unemployment, not getting out of bed for more than food and to piss, getting random anger issues and then one day I thought I would show her what she lost out on, what she gave up, what she put in second, then later third place (yeah, I was a loser who hung on until it was finalized) for whatever reason I think about that now, for the first time in so long. I think about how far I've come, what I have left to overcome and how hard the journey has been... At this point I can't help but think that she was right... I look back at my life and think, being an only child sucked, but having a mom who barely spoke to me destroyed my early talking habits, growing up not being able to do what anyone else did, even the simplest of things, like watching wwe, and having a video game console, but no, I had a trailer... No dad, barely a mom, and that left me to have litterally no confidence... Now I see pays from my family doing tons of great and exciting things, I see my family getting behind my cousins and pushing them to be there best, and I couldn't get a family member to come watch me wrestle, play football, go into mma matches, or even that time when I did pro wrestling... They didn't care about that, and when I did security, meet so many famous people, including many that they looked up to, I can't help but realize that I had to be the problem, but for the kids of me I can't help but wonder what I did to upset everybody... So with tears running down my cheeks, an almost uncontrollable amount of depression and anxiety, I left... I figured I'm done trying to get these people to give a shit about me, I'm done trying to figure out what I did to make me the black sheep of the family... So here I am laying in bed, in the living room of 2 strangers, whom I have more faith in than my family, trying to think back to where it all fell apart, and the truth that I came up with is so far back that shit sucks... All I can think of is that the future might be better, I still have depression and anxiety, I still wonder why my family dislikes, I still wonder why J can't so much affection for me then quickly dropped it... I still wonder what if a lot, knowing damn well it won't make a difference, and so I move forward, I look forward to the shitty job I have where I get yelled at because coworkers abandon posts, when they're apparently higher up the ladder than I am... But I stay alive because I know one day I'll prove to my dad that I'm better than he was, I'm prove to my family that I'm worth more than they have me credit for, one day I'm have a significant other that shows me more affection than my mom did, and one day my ego will expand and be bigger than an ants penis... And one day I won't have to look back to wonder why I wasn't good enough for so many people, I just will be.