#31189 I think I may have developed a relationship based off of how fucked up me n her are... real life deadpool relationahip, except were fat lol

#31190 For as long as I can remember I've been very angry, self-absorbed, reactionary, judgemental, negative, etc. If you accused me of something bad, even if not true, my gut instinct was never to react with humor, but to always to get defensive of shift blame. I was never good at being positive, warm, loveable, selfless, etc.

Recently (over the past six or so years) I've been trying to change my ways, but it is so fucking hard. And the fact that it is hard is fucking humiliating. It's humiliating that I kinda have to be an entirely different person in order to be someone who can function well enough in society to have a place in it that allows me to support myself, have some dignity and bring the slightest bit of positivity to others.

I've always been someone who could love somebody else for a while - years even, but the inevitable happens - at some point, like a dog, I turn on them and say or do something that betrays trust and sinks into the lows of bitterness and toxicity. The more I look back, the more this seems to be a pattern throughout my entire life.

And now the standard of what is considered positivity in society is increasing dramatically and I feel the pressure. Love has always been an abstract, almost just a concept to me instead of an internalized feeling.

I grew up in such a toxic environment that it would almost be understandable if not for the fact that one of my siblings never had any of these problems and is very normal and functional. How does this happen? What causes someone at a young age to be a demon seed?

Now I'm in the process of realizing that all it comes down to is caring for others. Practicing it like a habit over years and making it the norm. It's just that I have no idea how to make it consistent. At some point I start feeling like trash again and the toxic side comes out. Does this ever go away?

Sometimes there's a cognitive dissonance thing where I feel like I'm being positive but in reality I have a creepy, toxic vibe. I just can't give a fuck about anyone or anything. Love without care is only fetishization and manipulation. But I want to progress for my sake and the sake of everyone around me. Why is this so challenging? Why does it feel like consistently being someone who isn't toxic is like I'm becoming a different person?

#31188 People who are trying to be about mental health rights/issues need to realize that just because you're mentally ill, doesn't mean you are a good person. If someone says they are depressed or have anxiety, it's easy to feel compassion for them, but what is really causing their woes? For some of us who are sensitive, it's insensitivity, injustice, tragedy, trauma, etc. But keep in mind some of these mentally ill people are just the type who feel depressed due to the changing times. Their woes are baby problems, wounded narcissism, and their own actions. The increasing value of justice and compassion by society are actually what makes them feel bad. We need to listen more to marginalized people than the trashy mentally ill types who don't deserve empathy/pity.

#31187 I keep getting these thoughts in my head that someone is going to bring a gun to school, then I sneak up on them, n either do a big boot to their head or a high c to throw them over a railing only to be followed by a class getting out and seeing my crush walk out to the situation... it never ends, but I think that would be a pretty good way to end a season of my life

#31184 Who really needs a stero in their refrigerator?

#31183 Can one vape fart?

#31181 So do all animal owners live a life covered in pet hair?

#31180 I barely see her, but she's got a bf, she's the only girl I've ever thought of having a future with, like I thunk of us at a house, looking down into a crib to a baby girl who looks a lot like her, I think about car rides with her, I think about stopping off at every exit with some attraction to do with her, she used to make me smile eddy time I saw her, she still does, but now... now I've been able to turn off my emotions when she's near so her bf doesn't get jealous... it causes me to damn near vomit, I alays feel like shit, but that's just to my reaction, she looks like an angel walking around off in being honest.