Unless you're in a long distance, if most of your relationship is over snapchat and text, that's not healthy.

I'll ask one in two likes out on a date. I could be a guy, I could be a girl. I could be cute or I could be gross. Gamble and find out?

I finally saw the infamous NAU Rapp the other day. I was starting to worry that no one would get to experience his sheer awesomeness again.

Warning, long:
So, I flailed around and hit my boyfriend during my sleep and I wasn't aware of this until I woke-up. People really don't understand that my brain is completely messed up and it’s so frustrating because I do stupid shit, and get triggered by stupid shit. This is just the icing on the cake, and I want to use this platform to help people understand. So if you’re bored and want to hear about my fucked up brain.
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I have attempted to get rid of myself. I have cut in order to feel pain (though biting feels better). I have processing issues which means I’m not stupid, but it takes a few extra seconds for my brain to process, especially in an environment with a lot of stimuli.
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I don’t sleep sometimes because of anxiety. And people sometimes talk about not sleeping because they think of stupid mistakes or idk something like that. No, I just get restless…or I get addicted to the computer. I didn’t sleep the other night because I felt bad about not doing my dishes…even though I took them into my room. I could have gotten up and done the dishes but instead I pushed it to the back of my brain and I wasn’t allowed to sleep because of it.
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People think I’m violent because I have meltdowns. But the thing is, I know I’m only violent to myself. Doesn’t matter. My accomplishments mean shit because I’m scary. Meltdowns, they are this thing when you get uncontrollable emotion and it just hurts. Have you ever had to vomit so badly and you can’t stop it, so you try and find the best place as fast as possible to throw-up. That’s with emotions. And sometimes you can hold it in, but sometimes you can’t.
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Also, my brain obsesses about food. The amount of thought that goes into me eating every day. I have to ignore obsessive thoughts about things that could be gross about food. I’ve been vegetarian for years and I get shit for that but I don’t fucking do it for animals rights or the environment. I mean those things are nice. I do it because it’s disgusting to my brain. I couldn’t eat meat if I wanted to. And the argument there is something disgusting with everything. Fine, I’ll just starve to death.
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I have struggled with sexual addictions and compulsions which have been labeled as Bipolar 2 or as adhd. Don’t even get me started on adhd. The fact that the medication SOMETIMES just makes me a little more focused, and even that is an if. I’ve had it make me fucking sleepy before.
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There are days when I really have to question if I’m human. And no. It’s not in a conspiracy the government is out to get me sort of way. It’s in an…I don’t feel like I am human…I just feel so completely different from the rest of other people that I see. I don’t know if I feel the things they feel or if I see the things they see. Logically, I can understand that my brain is wired differently or whatever. Logically, I know we are the same species…but this intense emotion of “Am I human, I honestly can’t tell”
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I fidget, I stim. I feel bad for it. I feel like a fucking toddler when I’ve worked hard to do things like almost graduate, get jobs and relationships, and learn how to grow-up.
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I feel bad because I research my problems. These are an issue in my life, maybe I can solve them. I come up with holistic diets, taking 10,000 different medications (the sleep one would add another pill…lets see, and anti-anxiety, blood pressure medication, birth control for painful periods, mood-stabilizer, adhd medication, and idk…lets add a multivitamin because that’s what I’m supposed to do. And now what? I’m violent in my sleep so I need another pill.) no wonder the only one I trust atm is an adhd pill. All the other ones have horror stories. I even have a horror story for anxiety medication. Fresh off the fucking press.
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I’ve been trying to get therapy. I finally get someone and I get to see her MAYBE once a month. I’ve been trying for years. That’s to say nothing about the executive functioning problems that I’m pretty sure is the number 1 thing people disbelieve about me. Oh, can’t get to things on time? Must be fucking lazy ro disrespectful. *Goes to psychologist over a summer to get tested* Oh, I literally have problems with some of the functioning tests? Like I just can’t do it, my brain can’t comprehend it despite the fact that I am moderately intelligent. Nope, still lazy.
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Organizational and cleaning skills since 1st grade? Lazy. Even my bf gets mad at me, and he should, I don’t have the abilities to keep it all up at the same time. Yes roommates, you are better than me, you have a full-time job and are full-time students with a boyfriend. You never eat and are so awesome. I have a part-time job with my last 3 classes ever with a boyfriend…but your story will always top mine. I don’t’ want it to be fucking topped…I just want respect.
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I could go on and on for hours. But the fact of the matter is some days I look really functional. And that’s awesome. Some days I don’t. But it doesn’t matter. I will be treated as if I am making everything up or I need to be put in a mental hospital (I have considered that sooooo many times). Society doesn’t give a middle ground. I feel bad for sharing this, there are so many worse problems in the world. But this needs to be shared. People with mental illnesses need a voice. I’m just one of them.

My girlfriend proposed to me as a joke. I countered with a real one. She said yes.

I feel like I need to clear this up.

*FWB: you two are actually friends, you talk often, hang out and enjoy each other's company but don't really have a say in what the other does outside off your time together. Sex usually doesn't happen until we get to know one another. However, it's consistant and regular until someone moves on. It's great because you get the consistancy and emotional benefits of a relationship without all the complication.

*NSA: you are just fucking. There is no talking. It's probably more or less you have nothing better to do, and the person you are fucking is in no way shape or form boyfriend material. But the sex is good. This is more of a carnal need being fulfilled. It could end at any time.

*Fuck buddy: I'm only going to call you for sex. Other than that I will pretend we don't know each other in public. It's nice because it's some what reliable. But again, could end anytime.

*One night stand: you were only good enough to bring home once. I probably never want you see you again.

To the girl with really thick eyebrows who got out of the bus at FCB on April 8th, Friday, around 15:30. I found 10 bucks on the seat and it maybe yours. If by any chance you saw this, comment and I'll give it back

Apparently since I am an atheist I'm supposed to be opposed that our money says In God We Trust. I'm doing a double major, a minor, an emphasis, and a certificate. I don't have time to give a fuck what words our on the money.