I feel like a horrible person because I keep on wishing this guy wasn't with his girlfriend. In class we laugh and it makes me smile when I see him. And it's just so easy to talk to him. We listen to all the same types of music and everything! Fuck when someone is just your type and they have a damn girlfriend!

I hardly make confessions, so this is serious. I have realized what a huge impact bullying had on my life and how it has changed my life and how I respond to people. It all started when I was 5th grade when I was little when I was picked on. I was a happy go lucky kid who forgave people easily if they wronged even on purpose. In 5th grade, people began to actually hit me specifically one kid who kept hitting in the back. I didn't know what to do, I felt frozen in telling teachers about it and even parents who said they would back me up if I got in a fight. My father also tried to teach me how to fight, but I didn't want to learn as I didn't see the need for it. From then I tried to cope with being picked from being a tattle-tale to trying to get back at people. This fear of being bullied even extended to authority figures such as teachers, instructors, and even professors as I was scared of being mentally hazed by having to read or see material that maybe disturbing. It also explains why I don't trust institutions that I believe are going to haze or go through rituals. The bullying I endured left me not to trust people and compare them to strict standards of behaivor. In that if I felt they hurt me, I would them to apologize or have the confirmation they wouldn't do it again. If they didn't I would unfriend them and stay away. This strict standard I used with people, I also used on myself in trying to be perfect and would mentally beat myself up for meeting expectations. This snowball of paranoia, distrust and loneliness in avoiding people or new situations where I felt I could be possibly bullied left me feeling like a loner or a pariah for most of my life. It wasn't until I had a heart to heart conversation with my dad about my behaivor with my friends, and professors I have realized the root of most of my suffering. It is with this information I now have that I could hopefully better my life and chart a new course in my life.

So I find the smell of cigarettes so compelling, I smoke, I find guys that smoke unresistably attractive, and I'm a chick. Something that makes me laugh though is people who are offended by smoking, like honestly people can do whatever they want. People can still eat peanut butter everywhere even though a shitton of people have a peanut allergy. And stop telling us "it's so bad for you"....we fucking know. And you know what else is bad for you!? All that fucking fast food that you eat, and maybe all the alcohol you drink and weed you smoke. So don't tell me what I already know, people do what they want even if the consequences suck...America

Everyone says the first year away from home is the hardest. Yeah, it's a little tough not seeing my family everyday, but I am far more happy here in college than I was in high school. I think it's really what you make of it, and I love it here! Choosing NAU was definitely the best decision I've ever made in my life :)

I bought toilet paper that has Christopher Columbus' face on it. Never in my life have I tried to shit as much as possible in a single day.

I use to have night terrors of dying in my own arms. Shit's trippy man.

Bjork: Sometimes when I'm putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. No?

To the guy in the union who told me I was beautiful today, thank you very much. You absolutely made my day, which was actually the shittiest day of the semester before you told me that. You're awesome. :)