#21994 Once, in elementary school, a little boy And I were standing at urinals next to each. And he was considerably shorter than me. We even had the divider wall between us which makes it even crazier. Because my face barely cleared the divider. He walked up. And some fucking how. Pee'd in my eye ball. I looked at him. Washed my face vigorously and just contemplated how the fuck he did it all day long. He was so apologetic but like. What?

#21993 If you are ever having a bad day or feeling down about yourself just remember, you are a true champion because you beat out every other sperm on the great journey from your dad to your mom.

#21992 Don't ask me how I did it, but I think I broke through the friend zone.

#21988 Before you agree to let someone into your home,
ask about their:
Addiction & rehab experience
Relationship with their parents
Friends
Their last roommates
And most importantly
arrest record
Don't be fooled like I was, watch out for scumbags who will abuse and assault you all because they are privileged jerks.

#21987 The following is a conversation I had with my family over Christmas break:
Mom: "So... Are there any ladies in your life that we should know about?"
Me: "Yes. There are two actually. The first's name is Volkl, and the second's name is Nunataq"
Mom: ".......Those are your skis aren't they?"
Me: "Yup."

#21986 My favorite Christmas caroler song? The sound their feet make as they leave. Falalala fafuckkkkkk off.

#21985 I've slept naked almost my entire life. I used to take my jim jams off in my sleep so often that I finally just gave up on them all together. I literally don't own pajamas. Was so much fun to find out my (now husband) doesn't wear them either. Makes sex very convenient.

#21984 I always finish tests quickly so I doodle on the paper until the first person gets up and leaves. I'm always afraid my reacher will suspect me of cheating if I turn it in too fast.