Thursday, 04 May 2017 11:14 PM
I was depressed and suicidal several years ago. Although I don't really feel that way anymore, I never fully got my will to live back. It feels like I'm drifting and only continue because the people around me expect it. I'm tired of going through the motions. I don't want to kill myself, but I also don't want to live anymore.
Thursday, 04 May 2017 07:48 PM
I'm so tired of people on Facebook "starting their own business" and trying to sell shit to friends. No, I don't want to buy lipstick, essential oils, diet food, or your old clothes. Just stop.
Monday, 01 May 2017 02:02 PM
So, I've had a lot on my mind this last week, very little of which was finals. I've thought a lot about Daniel--which is funny, 'cause I never met the guy--and about what his family and friends must be going through. I've seen, second hand, the effects of losing a child and (on a separate occasion) a brother.
I just want to say that I don't know why he did it, but I can say why I would do it. If some people can look at accidents or sickness or brutal killings and think "that should have been me" then I feel the same way about suicide. I've felt hopeless, like everyone would be better off without me, like I have no future, like I've screwed everything up, and like I am unworthy of being loved. I'm a Bible-thumper with homosexual tendencies who will probably never have a girlfriend, let alone a wife. I'm dysmorphic, and I've cut myself after receiving particularly bad exam grades. I've rocked back and forth in a corner wishing I could just stop breathing. I have lied about secrets I've kept from my family that eat away at me every day. I've physically and verbally abused animals and people. In short, I'm a horrible person.
For me, dying feels like the best thing that could happen, and if I ever resolved to finally do myself in, I wouldn't tell anybody--and I'm make damn sure nobody found out until it was over.
But I can't die. It's not that I have so much to live for--people tell me I do, but I can't see it that way--but rather that other people find so much to live for in me. I... can't take that away from them...
But I also know that a lot of people commit suicide who have plenty of people in their life just like me. Why? Is what I'm feeling a pale imitation of the tortures they're truly going through? I've been raw with you guys; you tell me. I for one don't think so... Just from my observations, I'd say that I'm more intimate with my friends than most people, like, relationship intimate. I'm willing to admit my oddities, failures, fears, and listen to theirs in return. Does anybody else do that? As a society, as a generation, don't you feel like (men especially, but women too) we been emotionally emasculated? "You can't feel that, or if you do, don't tell anybody about it." "You thought what? You're for sure going to Hell." "What would they think about you if they knew this?" The funny thing about all these voices are that they are internal. In the most precise terminology, it's called shame, and, I can tell you from experience, they vaporize when you do exactly what they tell you not to.
Lemme say just one more thing, and I'll try to make it the Cliffnotes version: I've noticed that more people have acknowledged by presence in the week after Daniel died then the month prior to that. For someone like me, the way I talk to people (like, not often and usually about my problems), it's probably pretty obvious that I have suicidal thoughts... and sometimes actions... But you have to know that this is a weak response to what happened. Yes, reach out to those who don't have friends, but Daniel had friends--and I'm never going to lash out at them right now, because, as I've stated before, if Daniel was anything like me, there was nothing they could have done. Friends aren't the answer, relationships, as we know them aren't the answer. The only way to prevent suicide is to prevent people from ever feeling that way in the first place, and that starts with intimacy. Yes, it will hurt--God knows it will hurt--yes, death will come eventually, and the bereavement will come down on you like a flood. It was truly said that the pain then is part of the happiness now (not kidding at all. You might want to read A Grief Observed before you sign up for this). But I am telling you right now. It. Is. Worth. It. If I can stop one person from dying because I told them they meant more to me than my own life, then I have succeeded. Here I stand, and I can do nothing else. God help me.
Thursday, 27 April 2017 07:57 PM
This year seriously hasn't been one of the good ones for me... there were a lot of life changes and struggles that seriously pushed me almost over the edge . . . I had a rough time making friends here, I was too far away from the friends I had, and I just felt so alone . . . In the middle of my first semester, I heard that one of my best friends died, but I was too busy to even attend her funeral . . . Things got so bad at one point, that I had to stop carrying my pocket knife because I came so close to using it on myself because I just felt so fucked over by this place . . . I can't relate to you all who are saying you'll miss being here because being here has caused me so much pain . . . When I turned in my last final yesterday, I seriously burst out crying because it meant that I could finally go home to be with the people I love and care for. I cried because so much of what has made me constantly anxious and restless every night is over. I cried because I get to be free and oh my fucking god that makes me want to cry even now!
. . . I'll be coming back . . . But at least for now, I can run away from this place, just for a bit.