I want to find other gay guys on campus and hook up with them.

I confess, I can't bring myself to tell this person my feelings. Words of encouragement that I've given to friends like "just go for it!" or "who cares if you get a no?" suddenly make no sense to me.

How am I supposed to believe anyone cares about me when they only act like they do when it's convient for them? I get that dealing with someone with depression, like myself, is probably hard, but imagine where I am. I'm the one who actually has to deal with this monster of a mental illness. Every. Damn. Day. I'm tired of therapy. It isn't working. I have no friends I can truly rely on and come to when I'm having an especially bad day or night. I would stay up all night for somebody if they needed me, and have before, even for somebody I didn't know so well. I wish people cared about me like I care about them. Maybe it's selfish, but I wish that when I reached out it wasn't met with being ignored or by excuses that they don't have time to talk to me, that they need to go to bed or have homework. If someone told me that were depressed and suicidal, like I am and have told my friends when I've tried to reach out, I would want to make sure they were okay. Why would things like homework matter if your friend's life is on the line? Am I really just that unimportant? I just want someone to make sure I'm okay. Because I'm not. One of these days soon I will take my life because no seems to worry about me or care. I've already been thinking about it a lot. I bet nobody will even shed a tear or bat an eyelash. I'll be like a big burden taken off people's shoulders. I can't do this anymore. If I stay here, I just really need a true friend. But that seems impossible.

I have read my Bible several times, and I cannot believe I just noticed it, but God is a sociopath. I do not know how I could have gone so long without noticing, but the Bible is dripping with red. No longer can my disturbing realization be satisfied with anecdotal quotes (with context or not) about how God is love and holy. Once I took a really long, hard look at the Bible, all the arguments and reassurances about his grace and love melt away with the knowledge that a lot of bad people are going to Heaven, and a lot of good people are going to Hell. Oh and the frustration of even bringing this up! I know immediately that the response to this is that everyone deserves to burn for eternity in Hell (whether this is literal fire or separation from his presence makes no difference) because I believed and said the same thing. And yet...I know that merely because I do not like a truth does not mean that it is not true. I cannot immediately say I am an atheist, because if God is a fact then my opinion on Him means nothing. All I can say is that, while God may not be evil (he is indeed capable of some incredible good) I cannot say he is good either...no matter how often the Bible tells me so.

I'm thinking of going into sex work in order to pay my bills.

I can't life

I only do the thing I do to spend time with her, but she never shows up. Might as well just forget about it.

I think we need to take a moment to look at George Fox's view on relationships. If you're in one there are a LOT of things you can't do, or are looked down upon. If I want to kiss my boyfriend/girlfriend in public, I shouldn't be judged. If I want to be alone with them to kiss so I'm not being watched and judged, that should be okay. And if I want to go somewhere with them and make love with them, I shouldn't feel ashamed. On campus living is so annoying, even if it's in an apartment or house, you still have very little freedom. We are adults and can make our own decisions but God forbid we wish to be in an adult relationship... I understand we signed a lifestyle agreement, and that it upholds "fundamental parts of our religion", but oh my gosh, really? Relationships in the bible and what they are now are different. Really different. One example would be the age of which we get married. We are waiting later in life, we aren't getting married as soon as we're able to conceive children. In fact, we have to wait years later to even have sex legally. They didn't have to hide or try to ignore their hormones... we are forced to. The world has changed yet this religion has not.