Whenever I go home for a weekend or break, I can't wait to get back to school. But when I'm at school, I can't wait until the next time I get to go home.

I confess that I sit in my room and occasionally peek outside to see if Devin Geiger is running outside (preferably shirtless). I promise I'm not creepy. He's just really good looking.

I don't go to GFU. I don't really talk to anyone who goes there. I'm not a pastor. I've never spoken in front of a Church or a congregation. For some reason though, I have a strong desire to speak at GFU Chapel... no sense made.

My heart can't figure things out. I'm so tired of this cycle of highs and lows.

I am one of those people who can't help but laugh when a cartoon character keeps getting injured in a humorous fashion, but then feel bad afterwards because they are my favorite character! :/ Anyone else like that, or am I just a cold-hearted jerk?

I find the level of peacocking by guys wanting a Sadie's date to be both frightening and hilarious; do girls have to feel like that all the time?

Once again I realize how emotionally immature I am.
Recently, I've been feeling down. This type of depression comes to me in waves almost, so I'm starting to work out a pattern that sort of flows like this:
Happiness/Content->Boredom->Insecurity->fear->Sadness->Self->Isolation(which for some reason involves EXTREME sexual tension)-><-Anger/Irritability->Introspection
This process can last anywhere from 2-3 days to a month or two and the trigger to the cycle can be anything really.
That's about as far as I've worked out the process. I'm not really sure what it takes to get the cycle back up to Happiness, but right about now I've descended into the "Self-Isolation" phase.
I think it'd be cool to describe my problem following the cycle I just laid out.
I was -Happy- to have a group of friends to hang out with. We played games, talked, ate together. I typically contributed to the group by providing a selection of Anime/Cartoons for us to watch together. Recently a couple formed in our group, which may have been the cause of some tension, nothing serious, hopefully, but watching the newly formed bonded pair exist in their own corner of the universe got disgusting and tiresome REALLY quickly, so I became -bored-. The -insecurity- set in when I began to feel like no one in the group really much cared for any of the entertainment I supplied. Anime/Cartoons is sort of my thing. It means a lot to me that I get to enjoy it with other people, and though they seemed to enjoy it at the time, they don't seem to want more, which to me says they only tolerated it because it was something I suggested. Now they just seem to sort of dismiss my offers to watch something together, most things I've already seen so there's no point in watching it again alone. I know, we're in school and people are busy and all, but feelings are rarely based in rationality, right? I now -fear- that if my contribution to the group is no longer sought after, neither am I. Two of my friends exist as one now, one can be a loner and doesn't seem to interested in my interests, i'm pretty sure one might legitimately dislike me, and while the other seems the most supportive of my offers, he doesn't seem interested in enjoying them on his own or with just us two. I began to realize that i'm really only friends with the "group" and not any of the individuals. I felt -sad- when I began to feel like none of them were really my friends at all.
And here is where I find myself in the Self-Exile/Anger/Introspection phase. Writing long winded posts on an anonymous confessions page at 6 am while I try to sort out my feelings and beat this (STUPID!) VR mission in Metal Gear Rising.
Pathetic, of course, but I can't help but feel the need to intensely scrutinize myself considering I have very little self-control. I want to avoid this process. I want to get out of it quickly, I want to avoid getting trapped into it and most of all, I want to avoid it taking a turn the the worst case scenario(s)...

A while back I posted about my teacher saying some slightly racy comments involving something that rhymes with... D... D-errorrist...(nailed it!).
Came back to say that, all is well! She did notice my discomfort and talked to me about it. Apologized, mentioned that she had minorities in her family and that she loves them very much and would never intentionally speak that way about anyone's race.
She kinda just had a lapse in thought, like we all do, so there's no issue.