#1402 When pooping, I'm always worried the guy in the stall next to me will recognize my shoes once we leave the bathroom and give me that, "I know you just pooped" look.

#1394 Dear annoying people who fail and whine about it,

Quit blaming your bad grades on everything else. "The professor doesn't teach! That's why I failed the test!" or "He didn't even test over what was in class! That's why I failed!" "I had like 3 tests this week! That's why I failed them all!" No, bitch. You failed because you didn't get off your ass and put in the work necessary to pass the goddamn test. You waited until the day before and you crammed like you did in high school. You half-assed your homework or just plain didn't do it. I have taken classes from some shitty-ass professors and still pull A's easily. You know why? Because I'm paying for an education, so I sure as fuck am going to get it. No shitty professor is going to get in the way of my future. If you don't understand the material, boo-fucking-hoo. Study harder. As someone with a social life, I can tell you that it's very possible to have fun and be a fucking academic badass while doing it. Just manage your time. Quit your fucking whining and get off your ass or go home. I would love to have your parking spot. Welcome to life, where shit gets hard sometimes and excuses aren't going to get you a job.

Sincerely, a PMSing straight-A science major who's tired of of all the bullshit

#1392 I know you poked holes in that condom. U Bitch

#1391 If you wold have told me in high school I would be saying this I would have laughed in your face. I am tired of sex. I started dating this girl 2 months ago and 2 weeks in we started going at it like rabbits, like 2-6 times a night. I've had three noise complaints and I've spent twice what I normally spend on detergent because I keep having to wash my sheets. I'm getting muscle cramps and I swear I'm like 2 strokes away from throwing my back out.

#1390 I wanted to stop hanging out with you guys a while ago. I could not stand another conversation about how you guys got drunk/high in high school. I am so unbelievably happy that you kicked me out, because I was only happy with you guys when I was drunk.

#1389 Dude in the plaid fedora in Music Appreciation 2240, you are not pulling it off. You look like a tool who wears fedoras with a t-shirt and shorts. You are the epitome of someone who shouldn't be wearing a fedora.

#1388 H.H. I really hate that you're not single.

#1387 I'm not sure I know how to dream. It seems like the only way for me to dream is to have sex before. The last time I actually had a dream that I could remember, even remotely after awakening, was two months ago and usually I have much larger gaps than that. Maybe I'm just doing sleep wrong.