My fantasy among fantasies is to be in a three-way with a man that has a giant penis and a girl who has an incredible lust for one. Only problem is, I am an obese man pushing 30 and am worried that I might ruin the sexiness of the whole thing. The girl in my fantasy comes in all sizes, though. Ideally I would be a detached observer before joining in. The other problem is that my genitals are incredibly tiny and have little sensitivity. Not even sure I'd be able to feel anything. Is it because I'm still a virgin?

There is 365 days in a year and there is a day I want to jack off all day.
Today is the day!!!

I secretly laugh every time I'm with my grandfather while he orders at a burger joint because he pronounces "jalapenos" as "jalepenis"

To Keely S., who apparently works as Jason's Deli; I think I'm in love. I'm just kidding, that would be weird, even for me, but seriously, you're really pretty, and seem like you're pretty awesome.

At the gas station today I used my debit card to pay for a squirt. The latino guy at the counter noticed all the digits on my pin and said "that's a long pin number bro!" My response, "Seriously! *chuckle* I gotta change it!"

Silence.

Could that statement be interpreted as racist?

Fellow 2013 UNT grads: On a scale of 1 to 10 how opposed do you think the dean would be to handing us shots along with our diplomas as we walk across the stage? Because after the 4 years I've spent here (not to mention the fact that I'm pretty sure I single-handedly paid someone's entire yearly salary with all my parking tickets)...I think we can all agree alcohol would be an appropriate (dare I say necessary) alternative to a diploma. Congrats to everyone graduating!! :)

I want to commit suicide today. Having fake friends don't help with the situation at all.

Ugh. I had a panic attack last night because my boyfriend respects me too much to let our relationship be about the sex. I'm so happy I have a respectful boyfriend for a change, but.. It's been three weeks. I AM FRUSTRATED.

(don't ask me to friend and/or sleep with you, guys, I'm not nearly that desperate yet)