#25005 This morning I woke early to meet my brother at a raffle for a limited batch bourbon. I was in a rush, so I ignored the morning stomach pangs that come with an unhealthy lifestyle. That was my first mistake. After feeling fine during the raffle and failing to win, I hopped in my car and headed home. I made it two stoplights before the rectal twinge and flop sweat told me I was in for a sticky ride. Focusing on something else didn't help, and sitting at that stoplight in heavy traffic, I knew I wouldn't make it the gas station 3 miles away. Then came the onslaught, the deluge. Despite my best efforts, hot sick mess streamed into my underwear with reckless abandon. First came denial. It took me a good 2 minutes to accept what had happened, as I awkwardly shifted in my seat to alleviate the wretched squishing around my posterior. I knew stopping at a gas station was now off the table, the only card I held was going straight home. Home was 20 minutes away. About 5 minutes in to journey, acting normal and avoiding breaking any speed limits (thoughts of being pulled over or a car wreck sent shivers down my spine), the lower abdomen convulsions started again. This time I knew I had no defenses against Lucifer's children begging to be released. I resisted as much as I could, but all was lost as a second wave racked my body and sphincter. This one was much worse. A torrent of toxic sludge filled my pants, cupped my balls, and threatened to shoot out up the base of my spine. And now, even with the windows rolled down, the stench wafted over me. Something akin to burning, rotten eggshells and over-populated nursing homes. I struggled to keep the contents of my stomach for the next 25 minutes it took me to crawl home due to road closures for a Cancer Awareness Race. Upon parking in the driveway, I removed my shoes and socks, pulled the crotch of my pants forward to avoid spillage, and went inside. The extra spicy curry-looking mess fell from my bottom in sickening clumps as I pulled my pants down in the bathroom. I had a garbage ready, but couldn't anticipate the raining debris well enough keep it all from the tiled floor. Feces is not so easy to remove from grout. Foregoing toilet paper, I knew only Bounty 2-ply could manage this mess. And a mess it was. Gagging incessantly, I threw my pants and the paper towels in to the garbage bag and prayed the odor would dissipate once the bag was taken out. In the hope of a brighter tomorrow for all us, I'll light a scented candle and place it in the tainted bathroom. Asking God for a reason to this madness was meaningless, but I recalled the half-eaten chicken salad I ate yesterday. Perhaps it was the causes of all this strife? Scholars maintain we'll never know. Now I'm presented with the quandary of whether or not to eat these left overs.

TL;DR I shit myself

#25004 Deep down, part of me almost wants to see Trump get elected just so all the ignorant people who supported him get to suffer for 4 years and hopefully learn a lesson from it.On the other hand part of me knows that no one would learn a damn thing and we could be half way through Trumps WW3 and there'd still be people trying to prosecute Hillary and blame the nuclear holocaust on the Affordable Care Act. ¯\_(?)_/¯

#25003 I visited my friend during Fall break. He introduced me to his roommate, a universe's perfect creation. Now I have a crush that lives a thousand miles away. Yeay to myself.

#25002 Storing a lot of porn on my Purdue OneDrive.

#25001 Bicyles need to slow the fuck down this is a college campus you're not competing in La Tour De France.

#25000 Last night, I finally managed to take a woman to my place. Right before we had sex I took out a condom but before I could open it, she grabbed my balls and said 'I'm on birth control motherfucker so your busting your nuts inside me tonight.' That was the scariest but best sex I've ever had.

#24999 I find it amusing when my mom calls me a son of a bitch

#24998