#26747 I have graduated last year but I don't have really anywhere or anyone in my life to vent or confess. I had my first girlfriend at Purdue. Thought she was the one as well. Then we broke up right after graduation.

I fell into a very deep depression to which I haven't really recovered and it honestly fucked me up and destroyed me at my core. I don't know how I let someone so close to me and have such a massive impact on me. I truly loved her with all my heart...but I look back and see that she was not on the same level as me, even after multiple years of the relationship. I look back and realize I was unhappy. Part of that is because she was never happy no matter how hard I tried, day and night, just trying to make her happy. Part of it was just knowing that she might not be the right one and trying to push past that. I should be happy that we aren't together anymore but I still, over 6 months later, still cannot get over her. Having contributed everything I was to multiple years of a relationship to have to blown away like dust in the wind. My mental health has suffered immensely. Day after day, every night before bed after trying for hours to get to sleep, all the while thinking that if something were to happen in the middle of the night and I didn't wake up, well that would just be great. But then I wake up in the morning, sadden by that fact and try to convince myself to get up and go about my day. Throughout the day, I get anxiety attacks and I am unable to breath or think straight or even sit still and keep myself together and I have to go to the bathroom or outside to calm myself down and collect myself. I can't focus properly half the time as random thoughts that pop in my mind or things that happen that causes my mind to wander back to those times. I don't know who I really am anymore or what I believe in or what I want and need in life. I no longer even believe that I am a good person. I don't like myself.
I love Purdue, I am very active still on the subreddit and I miss the days of Spring and Fall in my Freshman year just exploring a new place every day around campus. But those memories are becoming bleaker as I age and as I work to blot out my past and bad choices from my memory as they haunt my mind more and more and help to trigger anxiety attacks.

I'm simply....lost.

I would go to therapy/psychiatrist if I had the money or the time (I work very long hours, ~50 hours a week, and then a very long commute to and from work (1 hour there, 1 hour back). On top of that, I don't have the courage to get myself to go. I feel like I'm just trying to block those years of my life out and just wake up to get my bills paid. I don't really understand how or why I pull myself out of bed in the morning.

This is the first time kind expressing my current state and emotions...

#26746 I can't believe my life here will be ending so soon, I'm going to miss all the friends, no family, which I found here. Wishing everyone the best of luck on there last set of midterms/projects/finals, and good luck after grad.

#26745 I've got 99 problems and it looks like psychosis is another one.

#26744 Does the Admin know who confesses what? Or how does this system actually work? I have always wanted to know this.

#26743 Why don't people like pineapple on pizza? Try it before you judge it, fellas!!

#26742 Read the post about SASA and the comments too. The sad part is that the guys who commented just assumed that the OP didn't do anything about the issue other than confess. I agree with the OP's view and I know lots of people who have both actively and passively tried putting the same points across to the organization in question. Unfortunately, things have remain unchanged. Oh and before you start with your suggestions, let me tell you that I was a significant voice on the board too. But, organization politics won.
PS: Not trying to undermine SASA but it really needs to either rep up or stop pretending to represent "so many countries"

#26741 My life plan suddenly ends in a steep cliff right after graduation. Where am I going? Who knows.

#26740 I am so done with this note 5. I go to upload videos to Google Drive, and it says waiting to upload, I toggle WiFi on n off nothing, I need these videos uploaded so I can take more tomorrow at a concert, but fuck no, so I download one drive and come to find out that there are videos on my phone from 2012... I get backup is great but I deleted a lot of those and clicked, "do not sync" when asked to do it -_- I can get a new phone in June, so I'm holding out til then, any recommendation on a phone that has an SD card slot?