Tuesday, 30 May 2017 03:06 AM
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#27060 I think I look to pay prostitutes for sex because its a need I have, but I'm too broken to try and date... like looking back at my childhood, my mom was there, but she never really wanted me to be there. She spent most of my life sitting in front of a tv, and when we did talk it was, what do you want for diner, followed by my reply, she'd then make dinner and id get mine when she was out of the kitchen, if I did When I wad, we wouldn't say anything to one another and it hurt more... When she went to bed shed walk by and say I love you and goodnight, but to me those were just words... that's about all we would say to one another, our phone calls were so short that I could clearly say what I needed to say to 1-800-call-collect and once texting came out I don't recall ever saying anything... Once a year or every 2 years we would go on vacation, and it was the weirdest thing because that's how my mom thought she showed love, like fuck the other 360 days, these 5 days in a far away place with the one person who you've grown to hate because she never showed you love, she never showed she cared about you, is the one person you're stuck with, and she always tried to plan something, and it always worked out, but neither of us were happy... he'll the last trip I took with her she demanded to come to Indiana when I toured Purdue, and she turned they week into hell on earth. Every day mocking and degrading me, it got so bad at one point I yelled to her to walk the fuck back to the hotel, she took a cab then went on to yell at me about going to my place to do dishes (that were already done, and she fucked them up) yelled at me about not thanking her for doing them (I told her, they were done, you messed them up, and you did it just to be able to praise yourself) there's so much shit wrong with her, that I tried for 26 years to look past, there were months when id go without talking to her to try to miss her and the result was maybe 5 minutes of good bonding followed by hours or days of hell on earth... I watched last man standing, nut because it was conservative but because the family was a family, it's something I really wanted to have, communication, love, caring, etc... she got into the church, and she's still this horrible mother... it's been almost a year and I haven't spoken to her, I feel better, like you from 10% of who I was to maybe 80 or 90%, but that 10% that's left is relationships, and I've only had one good one in my life, I've had girlfriends before, but it always ends up the same way... I become distant, dealing with emotional termoil, they try to help, and it's not something anyone can do... it's literally needing my mom to change, I've told her this time and time again, I've told her this so many times that it became useless, you know. I've told my mom to show me love, to take interest in my life, to be a mom for once because that's a need I have... its sad that my aunt could do that to a tee in the week I spent at their place but my mom never even could try... the thing is, it scares me... I often contemplate, how will I feel when my mom dies, will I cry, will I feel bad, I know I'll be unfulfilled, considering this need I have, but after she's done so many surgeries I honestly don't think ill miss her, I don't think we ever bonded, we are literally polar opposites, and the sad thing is, in the 26 years I spent with her, I tried everything she likes, she tried nothing I liked, hell I bought tickets to country fest east for my mom, grandma, grandpa and me, and you know the only memories I have of that is hearing an old fuck tell me "you know I can kick your ass faster than the cops can get here." And it was funny, because I kicked his ass faster than the security guard could video tape it, but I did ask him if he ever considered I could kick his ass better, and faster than he could... but there was a year when I took tinge off work to go to LA to go to the X games, and i asked if she wanted to go, she said no... (my family is big into motorcycle everything, they had a day of only freestyle motorcycle racing) but she said... anyway I tried to bond with her and she kept shooting everything down, except she tried to or trolled bonding with me one day, when I got 2 free tickets to Comic-Con (in San Diego) she said I would like to go... against my judgement I said ok, I gave her the itinerary for the day, circled whay I wafted to do, what I thought she'd like, and then she carved in stone the 11th commandment, do fucking jigging with her ever again... because the tickets are always sold out within 5 minutes, we went in, I told her we should go up stairs she walked the floor, I brought her to a booth where Ryan Reynolds was talking about deadpool, and she walked out, she walked the floor, walked past just about every big name in the business, including Stan Lee and George Lucas, then walked out and got lunch, I'm sitting there in disbelief thinning i could have brought my gf, any fucking friend and had a great time, instead i bring her trying to bond and instead she leaves in less than an hr, buys fucking fish and chips and says that was boring, I don't know why it's so popular... I broke the 11th commandment in several attempts to bond with her, and evey time I was futile, every time we ended up fighting, every time hours slow down on our way home, days just blend into one anther until i leave auto pilot, and deal with the real world... anyway, I still don't know how ill feel with my mom's death, I know I cried oddly at my grandpa's funeral and he showed way more love.