#27981 Met somebody last night. Should have asked for your number. You said you were from Hilltop, and had a very well-behaved conure ESA with you. Super unlikely to actually find you, but worth a shot.

#27980 I wish I could more easily show others who I really am. Instead I just put on a mask and be the person that someone needs me to be for them. I can be as supportive, as strict, as care free, etc etc as what they need in their life. Dont mistaken me for trying to say I know what a person needs but rather I become what the other person needs from what the person themselves say.

Most of the time I feel as if I am just an emotional mannequin. I simply put on the mask and show what is required for the situation. I can show whatever emotion or behavior is needed for the situation. In private though when its just me, its like who I really am, using a volume nob as an anology, is turned all the down to 1, maybe a 2. I wish I could be like the average person has no problem being themselves, in private where no one can see them so they have no reason to hide anything.

I am still screwing up my explanation... Its like every mask has a volume nob on it. On every artificial mask I have turned up to mid or high range. On my own though, its turned down nearly as far as it can go and is stuck there. Even when utterly alone I am still not even remotely comfortable enough to be myself. I wish I could have that one person that I can be comfortable around, that one person that draws the best out of me. The one that wont let go and just digging to draw out the real me, the one I hide from all others including myself. I want someone to be loyal enough and to love me enough to stick with me and keep pressing and not give up. I need someone who is loyal enough to not let me get away with anything, to constantly challenge me. I know that is something that takes years to build with someone but I just need that first step where someone is truly concerned for me, not just pretending so they can feel better about themselves.

In turn there is absolutely nothing I wouldnt do for her. No length I would not go to to give her everything she desires. I would anything for her because she gave me the greatest possible gift someone could give me. Just wish I could bring myself to willing strike up conversations with others to get started down this path but I have been hurt at every turn by virtually every person in my life including family. Every time I lost friend or cut contact with a family member it hurt just a little bit more because each person becomes more valuable to me. Its easier just to not allow myself to be hurt and keep every one at a distance and as people think theyre getting closer just keep feeding them what I want them to know and keep them in the position I want.

I wish I wasnt such a fuck up.

PS: Do not tell me to go to CAPS, I have several times and they quickly go WAY out of their depth and I have seen several therapists so dont bother with the suggestion.

Here is something to cheer you after reading this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjbpkginCSI

#27987 Everyone on this campus needs to get a Tinder.

#27992 My boyfriend doesn't even live in this country and he is already addicted to reading the Purdue confessions because of how crazy they all sound compared to college life in other countries. Love you ya habibi <3

#27978 That moment when ur eating and u bite the inside of ur lip once and then u keep biting the inside of ur lip over and over again. Ahhhh!! Pain!!

#27975 Today I found when I walked by people I automatically wanted to look down. It's my goal to stand tall and give a smile to everyone I pass :)

#27977 I often feel that if I was skinnier, people would like me more.

#27976 I never truly knew how lonely felt until I came to college.