#18038 I have a smart TV, so I was going to watch TV and I sat down in my comfy recliner. I realized that I forgot the remote. I downloaded an app to turn on the tv, it was awesome

#18039 I pushed a dirty plate under the sofa at our house so someone else would find it and clean it

#18040 I was half asleep downstairs and the only bathroom is upstairs, so I had to pee, but I didn't want to go upstairs. I peed in the Kitty Litter box

#18041 I once ordered underwear from amazon so I wouldn't have to do laundry

#18042 I always use comic sans for periods in everything I have ever done

#18043 I would rather have my cervix burned out than brainstorm with my art director

#18044 Question for the ladies, you're on the ok cupid app. You see a 27 year old guy. Take a look at his profile. Think not bad. Then look at those questions they have you answer. One of the questions is "how long do your relationships tend to last?" He put "never been in a relationship", what do you think about?

#18045 They told me that God is watching me.
When I hit puberty I realized God is gay after he watched me beat off.
*drops the mike and walks away*