Tuesday, 06 October 2015 10:57 AM
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#19489 I was in a relationship with a great person. She was loving and caring, she was a good artist and we completed each other very well. We were like a puzzle pieces which almost instantly clicked together.
But sometimes she changed. although it was understandable. She had problems with herself because of her very abusive father, who (luckily) left her mother when she was four. Before that she witnessed a lot of violence against her mother. Also, she was obese in her childhood, so she had self-confidence issues, she started doing drugs when she was 14 (stimulants) and sometimes was paranoid and sometimes anxious, and then she was in a relationship of three years who was reportedly taking opioids, abusive, and even raped her.
I tried to comfort her all the time and tried to help her when she was hysteric and sad. I visited her every day, putting away my duties and needs. I didn't quite understand how she could've been in such relationship for so long, and why nobody else knew that her boyfriend raped her and beat her, while she was living with her mother and it saddened me.
One time she invaded my privacy by browsing my phone which I'd left in her car. I wasn't ok with her browsing my stuff, and said that I'd prefer she would do that, but if she has to she is free to go. Because I "opposed" she thought she has to do it and she browsed it very thoroughly... She has found some porn (I had openly said I watch porn sometimes at the beginning and she was actually happy that I don't lie about it, as her ex) and screenshots from tinder, which took place before we were together. Her confidence issues kicked in and she felt that she is ugly and that I must watch porn because she isn't enough for me and that I keep these files even though we are together (I didn't know they're there, because I simply don't care about old files on my phone and I simply never browsed them. She was hysteric, so it grew to a point where she started thinking I'm addicted to porn and that we'll probably break up because she has heard somewhere that porn is a problem in many relationships which is probably true, but watched porn from time to time and actually preferred to get off without it. I wanted her to calm down so I promised I'll delete these files from my cellphone and won't watch porn ever again, which I did. She even started conversation with my parents about it, which was very shameful for me, because I would never discuss these topics with my parents. My mother is ok with my father watching porn sometimes, especially because he's working abroad and they see each other every week or two. She didn't agree that it breaks marriages, because it's not really a point. But since my gf wasn't ok with that, contrary to my mother, I decided I wouldn't watch porn (especially when it wasn't so big of a deal for me).
She calmed down, but the confidence issues lasted. She even decided to tie her hair because in the thing she stumbled upon and on that tinder pics, the gals were blond. I liked her look a lot and tried to make it pretty clear, but she didn't believe me. She has also limited her food intake too much and I had to toil to make her eat something. She was thin and didn't need to change at all. It saddened me that because of me she wasn't feeling ok with herself.
Then it was pretty much ok, but she has again browsed my cellphone and found things I didn't remove. I simply overlooked them because I've a lot of photos and dont actually care about them. Then she went on a rant and browsed my pc, including browsing history waay before we were together. At the beginning she was angry about every headline including rape or fashion models I've browsed, which was pretty stupid. Then she started to browse my history more. It looked like she wanted to get angry and wanted to find reason for that. It was madness. She was screaming, she was hysteric and when I tried to speak to her mind but she has hit me in the face. I loved her, but she wasn't her usual self. I didn't want that version of her in my home, and I didn't want things to escalate. I felt bad because I felt anger towards her and didn't want that to be. I said I want her to leave and she did, saying that she feels cheated and she should go to our common friend who is into me and cheat me (literally) so I would feel how she does.
After some time she calmed down and pretty much apologized, but she has from time to time constantly reminded me that I've threw her out and that I must not respect her, putting it out of context. She believed I lied to her since not all files were removed, while I've said that I removed them and she pretty much though I've left them on purpuse. I was sorry she felt bad because of me (even though I didn't agree with her reasons) and apologized too.
From that moment, her hysteria attacks weren't limited to her past boyfriend and her father. They were related to me and I couldn't comfort her as much as before, since she was then also angry at me. When I tried to hug her, she was saying she wants me not to touch her. I didn't want to throw her out again or leave, since she constantly reminded me it's a sign of disrespect, so I tried not to. Thus things escalated and she managed to get me angry too. Sometimes I yelled at her, which she reminded me in next quarrels putting it out of context. She attacked my uncertainties just to make me angry (she confessed to that when she was calm). I have confessed to her a lot, and sometimes cried with her, because I trusted her and completely opened to her. In a quarrel she was calling me names and for example complained that I was a cry baby. It saddened me, but I knew it's not usual her, who I love, and I tried not to feel any anger towards her in that unusual state of mind, which is related to her heavy past.
These hysteria attacks happened from time to time. Beyond that she was a great person and I wanted to help her get through it.
-ME-
I'm not the first born son in my family, but I'm the only one alive. Before me my mother had twins, but they were born too early and died. She was very depressed and my birth put her in order. I on the other hand think that I shouldn't be born. That it's them whom should be living this life. I've grown up in a very poor and abusive neighborhood. My parents were ok, but only a door away lived my blue-collar uncle with drinking problem, and my aunt who has actually led my uncle to that state of mind. She quarreled a lot in a manner nobody could take it. My uncle couldn't express himself, he was completely dominated by over-intellectualizing partner who treated him like a idiot because he was just a simple worker. Then they both started drinking and the violence began. Screaming, noise and alcoholism was just door away. I was just ~9 years old then.
With them lived my cousin and they dog. We were very close together, but she has changed when her parents started to destroy their life, their marriage, their properties, and themselves. We've lost contact even though we lived next to each other. I don't know why, but it was understandable. Even though it saddened me.
As for their dog, at one point he stopped eating at all. I believe he was beaten too sometimes. I've seen him starve himself to death. It was one of my repressed memories.
At that point my playground friends were already stealing stuff from shops, smoking and drinking. I didn't wanted to have much in common with them so I didn't go out. I had a lot of friends in school, but it was far away (since that one around us was influenced by bad neighborhood) I was basically spending all my free time in my home with my cat in front of the computer. My father was using linux, and linux back then wasn't very user-friendly, but I spent almost all the free time on it. I became pretty keen with terminal commands and file structure. One time I stumbled upon on something very heavy. My fathers porn folder. Also I've found several CP videos in tmp folder. There were girls my age. At the beginning I didn't know it's wrong. I was sad that my father watches other women and I was scared that my parents would break up or become violent, like many families around us. I decided I wouldn't tell anyone nor call cops. I even wasn't sure if he would hurt me or my precious cousin. It didn't help that we had pc in my room and I think one or two times he was masturbating when he though I was sleeping and when I woke up I had to pretend I'm sleeping and make it clear that I'm about to wake up. I believed he loves me and that he wouldn't do that, but I wasn't sure. He has worked in another city then and sometimes visited us. On the holiday me and my troubled cousin visited him (it was before our contact suspended). I was afraid he would hurt her, but believed he would not. He didn't. I forgave him but didn't want to talk about it with him ever again.
This made me a very closed person. I wasn't shy, I just didn't want to share my feelings with others. I had trust problems, I didn't want to live since 11 years old, I used drugs. Well, it didn't ever get out of control, because I was very careful, and never used drugs or alcohol when I was feeling sad, and also I limited my consumption in order to not become dependent. I tried psychologist and wanted to tell him about my experiences, but when I crossed the door I couldn't say a word about it. Then I went to psychiatrist and got prescribed antidepressants and neuroleptics. I didn't take them long because they've made me numb, instead I picked sports and it helped me way more. I also had MMPI-2 done, which classified me as schizoid/schizotypal/avoidant person.
I was glad I met her. We were very similar and she has easily became the most important person for me. I opened myself before her, with many troubles. Sometimes I couldnt say things out loud, so I wrote her the letters. I told her everything. I was glad she's there for me and that I can confess to things I've kept in myself. And she normally was. During hysteria though...
She attacked me, she put these things out of context, she called me names. She said I'm a crybaby (yes, I cried when confessing to her), that I'm a weirdo because I didn't have a gf before (trust problems), that It's a shame that I was born (...), that I'm too short (I'm 5 ft 7), that I'm a monster, that I don't care she's crying (I do and I did try to be around her, but sometimes when she screamed at me that she doesn't want me to touch her I went somewhere and do my stuff, ex. cook dinner for us), that I'm a miser (I've spent almost all my money on her, but sometimes I simply didn't have any left...), that I'm for sure lying to her and watching porn when I'm not around her, that I'm addicted to porn, drugs, that I'm not even attracted to her, that I'm the same as her previous bf (who beat her), that she would prefer to be beaten than treated like this (this made me question her statements about previous bf, because what victim of abuse would say that?), that I'm not attracted to her (all that stress sometimes made me unable to have a boner, or I was quickly losing it when I saw she's angry at me for some reason) that her previous bf raped her, but at least was attracted to her (wtf?), that I'm not a real man. I had a pretty hard time keeping my head calm, even If she specifically tried to make me angry. I tried to calm situation down at all cases. I wasn't perfect. Sometimes I lied in order to keep her calm, sometimes after a quarrel and hundreds of accusations I watched porn to take some kind of revenge at her because I was angry. I'm not glad of my actions.
I still loved the good side of my princess and didn't make a fuss about her behavior during these times. It happened about 1 time a month, sometimes for a few days, so it was bearable.
One time she met with my ex girlfriend before, and she was so touched that she said she wants to kill herself and sent me a pics of her cutting herself. I was tired, sleeping, but I woke up to talk to her. I called 911, because I was in no shape to drive to her and speak to her mind. I also didn't want to, because she purposely met with my ex girlfriend, and she purposely has asked about me. It was obvious she simply shouldn't do that, but sometimes she acted like she wanted to get angry and simply searched for a reason. I also had suspicions that she simply blackmails me emotionally and wants me to sympathize with her and feel pity for my shameful actions (and find a flaw in my attempts so she could say that I must not care at all, nor love her, nor respect her), because I'm a monster. I didn't believe she was really trying to kill herself, but I wanted her to stop such actions in the future, so I wanted to make clear that it's a big deal and I'm ready to call appropriate forces. Also I believed she has some heavy issues, and she should be taken to the hospital for some time. As soon as I told her I called 911, she stopped her attempts to 'kill herself', but instead got angry at me that I called paramedics. She denied everything, but they've taken her to psychiatrist (where she has also denied everything). She said she was just sad and I panicked and overreacted. Also that fucker paramedic asked her why am I not there like I was there to blame. So I decided to come by taxi. I was completely drained of energy both physically and emotionally. We were waiting in emergency room for a psychiatrist when I had grand mal attack.
-THE QUARREL-
After some time we went abroad in order to have MRI and EEG for epilepsy. She was there to support me. We lived with my father for 3 weeks. It wasn't bad. We had a lot of fun when together. We cooked together, I was cleaning up alone, buying groceries, throwing thrash away, and going for my tests alone. I didn't feel that much of a support, but I was happy she is there with me. Until...
She got in a quarrel with my father. They didn't have the same opinion on one topic, and it bothered her. One time she messaged one of my friends (friend of family) asking if I slept with her. She had suspicions of it and I said that I didn't. When she told me she isn't sure if she can believe me I've said that she could simply ask her if she wants. She did. That friend phoned my mother, because she was pretty much surprised by that question. She couldn't understand why did she do it and she was sure that this friend was simply malicious and wanted my parents to think bad about her. My father wasn't happy she asked a stranger such private question, but I told him I don't want to get involved because this is not his business. He did listen. But my gf was constantly seek to quarrel. She still couldn't understand why did that girl phone my parents, and repeatedly asked my father that question (repeatedly because he didn't want to answer, because I've told him not to get involved) and started to get angry. Well, he replied the obvious, that it was a private and suspicious question from a stranger. She didn't agree. She started to change topics and refer to my past behavior. She told statements like "lying is always bad" referring to me, and my father (as a logician) couldn't disagree more (and me too, because she has frequently lied, but she said it's not the same...). He told her that he thinks that it's the purpose of a lie that should concern her. I didn't want to get involved, and simply asked her why does she start this conversation, when the outcome is pretty obvious. He also added, that she cannot say if that girl was malicious at all, and that she did it because she's against her. It's all become moronic pretty quickly. Moving forward she started screaming at my father in his own house, calling him a bad man that hurts everyone around him, screaming she was raped and beaten, that she has a aneurism (it's not diagnosed, but she constantly referred to it like it was sure and like she was dying in a week). She got hysteric. He told her that she is arrogant and it's not possible to have normal conversation with her. I tried to hug and comfort her, but she didn't want to, so he added that she hurts people who want to help her. She got angry, she still called him a bad man, and said that she wouldn't be hearing about morality from him and...
referred to the cp incident.
The thing I couldn't say about for more than 10 years, was shouted out in anger in 0.2 ms, in a quarrel started by her, in an moronic argument, to a person it's all about and I didn't want to confront.
I didn't want to see her ever again. I told her that and I ran out of the apartment. It was a nightmare. When running away I have kicked her by accident (she was sitting next to the bed). We have then bought her all return tickets and asked her to leave. I blocked her on all social sites, I didn't respond to tons of messages. Some of them were from my beloved one, some from evil witch who trapped her.
-Aftermatch-
She claims I hurt her, she claims I didn't treat her correctly. She claims I beat her (I just wait when she starts saying I raped her). She claims I have psychiatric problem and that I'm unpredictable (she puts out of context that I don't want to see her and threw her out). She says she didn't do anything wrong. I know this from my friend she constantly messages, who . She trash talks about me and shares my secrets with everyone now. She says she was thrown out in different country by us, not mentioning that we paid for all the tickets and my father has even drove her to the bus station. She constantly messages me telling me she doesn't want to talk to me and that I didn't even apologize. She doesn't even understand how much she hurt me. She claims she has forgave me so many worse things, and I can't forgive her telling that secret. I was very happy I opened up. Now I regret every moment we shared together.
I'm scarred, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm brokenhearted, I'm anxious.