#20165 My roommate is so freaking messy and disgusting. If you think this is about you, it is. Clean your shit up.

#20164 My roommates just had an argument whether to watch Full House or Looney Tunes

#20163 I study at one of the most prestigious universities in the country…yet I’ve never successfully removed a girl’s bra myself.

#20162 You say we don’t party as hard… It’s okay, we’ll be your boss someday.

#20161 Roommate falls asleep with the TV on. When I turn it off he wakes up as if a bomb went off. I don’t know what sleep is.

#20160 I facebook stalk my exes and compare how much more awesome my life is to theirs

#20159 Last night I was having some average boring dream when I suddenly realized that I was dreaming. So I took advantage of the situation and started squeezing every girls' boobs that I could find. After a while I forgot that it was a dream and thought it was real life and I started freaking out because I thought I was gonna get arrested.

#20158 Was almost hit by a car today and am genuinely disappointed he swerved.