#21794 They say swans mate for life. It's not true. They fly away as soon as you let them go.

#21793 I have Star Wars underwear that I got from the little boy section at Walmart. It's the only one that'd fit me

#21792 This one time I had a gum wrapper in my hand and there was a trash can so I threw it at the trash can but it missed but I didn't pick it up, I just kept on walking and I was sad for the rest of the day because I littered

#21791 I have been talking to girl, I really consider a good friend the last few months and have been getting to know each other very well. We were chatting on the phone the other day and I had a question for her and this is how it went:

Me: Have you ever heard of George Carlin?

Her: You're asking me do I know the best and probably the greatest comedian of all time, God rest his soul? Yeah, he's my idol!

My initial thoughts after hearing that: This girl is definitely marriage material.

#21790 The butterflies in my stomach that flutter in a dither when I think of you or when I see you... not sure if that's love or gas or what

#21789 I can't stand the Weeknd because they sing about whores. Making songs about sleeping around doesn't justify it.

#21788 Remembering Andrew Boldt this week. My prayers are with his family and friends.

#21787 Can't wait to make enough money to get off of these shitty beers