Tuesday, 23 February 2016 09:47 PM
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#22420 Truth is I'm lonely, I don't have many people in my life, and out of the few I do, they all live in other places. The girl I care about, doesn't care about me, no matter how positive and outgoing she is, unless I initiate conversation, we don't talk, but I think about her all the time, weird scenarios that make me cry at weird times. I have told her how I feel, yet she doesn't feel the same way about me. Where I live there isn't a lot of opportunity and waiting until May is shitty enough, thinking I have to wait until the fall semester just makes this so much worse. Part of me wants to delete her number, unfriend her and just leave her in my past, another part wants me to follow her but there's nothing for me at that college, the last part of me has hope that she'll write me, breaking this life long thought process that I'm just the guy you're nice to because I'm nice to everybody, but the one you don't ever think of. The truth is I just want to be wanted, by fucking anyone, my texts alert goes off, it's a Verizon bill paid, it's a diving fast food joint with a deal for new, it's fucking red box it my bank, it's never friends out or family. My Facebook alert go off, it's a mother fucker that just posted something, it's getting tagged in meaningless posts, then watching 2 strangers talk for hours, or Instagram/Twitter having some fake ass hat like a post I posted a year ago. The worst part is I know if I leave, I won't be missed, sure my mom might miss me, but nobody in my family will, we don't do anything anyway. The sad depth to all this is simple, other than the one girl I care about, I'm an emotional blank slate, a shell of who I used to be, I used to be happy, friendly, a guy everybody missed, a guy that people cared about, now I could literally see someone die in front of me, and not feel sadness, I could see true love and not get that warm fuzzy feeling, I go to family dinners and fake what I'm most thankful for, I almost feel like the punisher just, instead of ever having a family care about me, and having good times, I move here to find that the truth I kept hidden for so long was real, that family doesn't care about me, they put on the friendly face, and do the family bit, but there's no love behind it, there's no encouraging thoughts, prayers, anything to lift spirits, just shit on top of shit on top of shit. The saddest part is that before I moved here, I was in training to be a fighter, and to pay my way I worked as a male escort, the women who hired me had more love for me. My gym friends had more love for me. My family, excludes me from doing anything...