Monday, 19 August 2013 12:08 AM
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#511 Yeah, I realize no one probably reads these anymore. I’m gay and tried to kill myself before I came to ORU. And once after. Obviously, I never shared this in a testimony. Look, I get a lot of you are against it. I know. I grew up a pastor’s kid in a loving family with two parents who were married (now) for 27 years. I have one heterosexual sister and one heterosexual brother. I'm a middle kid. I was taught since the time I was practically a fetus how the gay agenda is destroying the society. I never thought about it. I thought gay people were bad, and my life moved on. My parents raised me probably like most of your parents. In fact, I’m still moderate on the border of conservative. I don’t hate ORU, and I don’t hate Christians. My parents were normal so to speak, but hardcore conservative and very particular about homosexuality and premarital sex. I’m not “flamboyant.” I played runningback for my football team and was damn good. I realize it’s like three years later, but… I was good. I’m proud of that. My best friend was the quarterback, and in between flirting with girls, we would hang out all the time. I got crushes on guys for awhile, but put it in the back of my mind as satan trying to tempt me or whatever. I tried having sex with this girl after these feelings started (I started feeling attraction towards guys around when I started puberty at 13ish and lost my virginity to a woman at 16), and… uh… never got “happy.” In fact, she was probably the hottest girl at our school and I couldn’t even remotely get hard. I did that around my best friend, though. We traveled to Brazil on a missions trip with my church, and we shared intimate emotions I would never in my life share with anyone. We talked about philosophy, God, and our lives. I fell in love with him that night underneath the most beautiful stars you’ve ever seen without the city lights. It was the first time I’ve seen the southern cross. Yes, you’ve thrown up. I get it. I never said anything to him about it because I knew he was as straight as an arrow. I kind of freaked. I hooked up with more girls than I ever had after that missions trip (the irony). I was terrified and knew I was just a confused straight guy, because everyone is born straight unless they’re sinful, since that was what I was taught. I just still couldn’t get a damn boner to save my life (enjoy laughing). I had to picture guys so I wouldn’t embarrass myself in front of experienced girls. It sucked. Wasn’t that great either, since I never watched gay porn. I secretly wanted monogamy like my parents, not fake crap on a computer screen. I tried women, trust me. I had girl friends since I was practically a toddler, and I hooked up with girls in high school. I knew I could come to my parents and say “hey I had sex with this chick” than I could ever face my father telling him I was in love with the quarterback along with 80 percent of the super girly cheerleaders. I’m from the South (and proud, baby), I would actually skip school the first day of deer hunting season. I’m a man’s man (wink wink). But really. I had two loving parents, heterosexual siblings, heterosexual Christian friends, was heavily involved in youth and missions, and honestly begged to draw closer to God. I seriously didn’t even have one gay friend. I wouldn’t ever come across as gay. But I got a boner every time I saw a hot guy. I had my heart flip with the hot guys in school. I hated myself. I mean HATED myself. I prayed more. I went to church more. I couldn’t talk to my best friend anymore from guilt. I was miserable and suicidal. My senior year I took all of my dad’s sleeping pills having no idea he replaced them with various vitamins since he’s an old ass. I ended up just having explosive diarrhea. I didn’t even really want to die, I don’t think. I just needed some kind of escape route before I would go to hell from inevitably hooking up with a guy in my future. I seriously chose death over facing my friends and family. Over breaking my first crush’s and best friend’s heart. Over breaking God’s heart. Not for hooking up with more than a dozen women, but because I felt attraction towards my same gender without ever having one single sexual encounter with them.
I chose to go to ORU because I thought it would fix me. I think a lot of LGBTs do it. We want Jesus just like you do. And when we hear that we may be living a life of sin, we want to change it. But we can’t. I finally got the courage after suffering with more depression to tell my dad two years ago. After he laughed not believing me and then resorted at screaming at me about how he had a faggot son and why I couldn’t have gotten some slut pregnant instead, I took my hunting rifle, walked outside so my parents wouldn’t have to clean up the mess I would make, and went to go blow my brains out. I was some miserable conservative faggot stuck in some miserable rut that didn’t allow me to be loved by atheists, Christians, nor my own family. I can’t express what kind of loneliness accompanies it. It wasn’t that I wanted to die, I just didn’t want to live. There’s actually a difference. I stopped to read my Bible just in case God told me something. Maybe I would still make it to heaven. I lived miserably, and I didn’t even know. And there I saw the words “from your mother’s womb I knew you” that people use against abortion all the time. But all of a sudden, the words had a different meaning. God knew I would be attracted to men before I was even born. And he still died for me. The word in Hebrew is Yada’ which means to reveal one’s self to or to make known. He revealed Himself to me before I was even born. He recognized me and took delight in me. He wasn’t my earthly father. He took delight in me and knew me, isn’t that cool? I went back to ORU the next year. I finally felt free for the first time in my life. I was suicidal when I tried liking women. I was suicidal when I tried to seek the approval of my anti-gay parents. I still keep in touch with my mother, she’s a gem.
I know no one is probably still reading this, but there is some gay man or woman out there that needs to read this and is struggling with self-hatred. You don’t have to be a particular political party to be gay. You don’t have to go to a particular school or church. You don’t have to keep in hiding or be miserable. God loves you. Those people bashing you and ostracizing you aren’t God, they are angry people standing up for a political viewpoint. It’s evil masked as Christianity. A God who sent his son to die would never want you to die or be ostracized, his Son already did that in your place. And for those of you who are against homosexuality, I realize you will probably never change your viewpoint. I'm not even asking you to. But please take the time to listen from mine. I’m happy. I was never abused or had an overbearing mother. I’m a Christian. And I’m gay. I got counseling, I tried women, I tried everything. I’m only into monogamy now. But the only time I was happy was when God told me He loved me, not some miraculous recovery from the gay disease. I know I will never go to hell. That’s a cool feeling. I know most of these are trolls. I know most people won't read this. But I just want to possibly save someone's life that is just as miserable as I was. God really really does love you.
Wednesday, 12 June 2013 11:29 PM
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#505 I didn't start drinking until I got to O.R.U...sooo much for the honor code. I've drank in my room, in one of the empty rooms this summer,and off campus,and each time my liquor came from the store across the street!I think ORU is nothing but a body of students who stand with their hands raised high in Chapel, and then do everything BUT what honors God outside of Chapel. What a bunch of phonies haaa