#24020 So I broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago. I feel really awful because I just had sex with a random one night stand. So I ask you, how soon is too soon to start hooking up/dating again.

#24019 Denizens of Bozeman, Bobcats and Griz, my Montana brothers in humanity, Montanans with moustaches and country shoes, do not attempt to adjust the color of your computer screen. Now you see, I have taken control as to bring you this special announcement. The extraterrestrial brothers with your mothership connection bring you this news from the mothership.

Make my funk the P-funk. I want my funk uncut. Make my funk the P-funk. I wants to get funked up!

Bozeman, y'all need a real type of thing goin' round, gettin' down. There's a whole lotta rhythm going down.

WE WANT THE FUNK. YOU NEED THAT FUNK! WE WONT THE FUNK! YOU NEED THAT FUNK!

Bozeman, you gots to get funked up! George Clinton, the Lord of the Mothership, wishes to baptize you in the ways of funk, with his children in funk, Bootsy Collins and the glorious Gary Shider, who funked so hard he wears a standard supply of P-Funk protective devices!

For the dog that chases its tail, will be dizzy.
On those nights where I lay me down to sleep, and just can't find a beat....I grab my flashlight (oh I will never dance).

Oh, it's no use.

BOZEMAN!!! I GOT A REAL TYPE OF THING GOIN' DOWN GETTIN' DOWN. THERE'S A WHOLE LOTTA RHYTHM GETTIN' ROUND!

YOU NEED THE FUNK! GIVE UP DAT COUNTRY JUNK JUNK OW! YOU NEED THE FUNK. YOU GOTTA HAVE THE FUNK OW!!

la la la la la dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo OW.

This has been a transmission from the mothership, the lord of worms, your mothership connection, we-funk. For two men who have funked have walked in your midst, yet you have not yet funked. Bozeman, you gots to get funked up!

#24018 Had a dream last night I was dragged into treatment again, & I'm not sure if it was a staff member or my stepfather who pushed me down, trying to force me to give him head. I woke up feeling so scared and anxious; it was way too real.

#24017 Meme guy, please stop. You're funny maybe 1% of the time. It can't be worth all that effort.

#24016 Is a birthday threesome too much to ask for?

#24015 All my friends left for the summer, and now I have no one to hang out with. Seriously, even the girls on tinder won't go hiking or meet up.

#24013 Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.

#24012 An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”