Submit your Hamline confession here: (100% anonymous)
I'm your typical loner. Nearing the end of my time here at Hamline. Last spring as I was walking home when I ran into a homeless woman. Feeling stupid I offered her a meal and a place to stay. I offered her the couch of my apartment, expecting my TV, Xbox, everything not bolted down,to be gone by the time I woke up next morning. Surprisingly, she was still there in the morning. Incredibly grateful she helped me prepare a nice breakfast for two and I went my way off to class. We made plans to meet up later that day. To my amazement she was there. We eventually worked out a decent schedule. After about a week, she very nervously asked me if she could use my address as a place of residence for job applications. I was happy to accomodate this. She eventually got a job at Subway, and between that and my internship we had more than enough income to cover rent and buy decent food. It turned out she was a phenomenal cook. I felt bad that she was still living on my couch and I didn't have anything else to offer her, but we weren't in any kind of relationship. I didn't even know her orientation and didn't want to broach the subject. I enjoyed having another human who greeted me and cared about me. Everyone I had ever considered a "friend" up until that point usually didn't care if I fell off the face of the earth.
By fall I was madly in love with her. She looked completely different from how I had first seen her. Having a stable place to sleep and shower and a constant source of nutrition will do that to you I guess. It turned out she was Polish (dual citizenship), a world traveler, whose bad luck had gotten her stranded and homeless here. We spent our free time together, as far as I knew best of friends. Her family was dead or estranged, my family gave zero shits about me, so I proposed a small thanksgiving. Up until that point I had thought turkey was the shitty dry meat you eat because your grandmother made it. Never again shall I eat such a delicious bird. After we've had a tiny bit of beer post-pie, I finally had enough liquid courage in me to ask her if she'd ever consider a relationship with another woman. She stammered and admitted that she had been trying to find a way to ask me that. After that night I finally understood the emotional bond that causes people to seek out relationships with such fervor. I finally understood the feeling of love and attachment, I finally had someone else in this world. It was the best time of my life.
Around December, she started to have a persistent cough, fever, and just dog tired all the time. After getting her to the doctor, blood tests came back with Blastic Leukemia. Turns out she just thought it was lingering illness and effects from her earlier malnutrition, and I was too stupid and caught up in my schoolwork to have noticed earlier. Using some wrangling of the limited insurance I had access to, we got her started on treatment right away. It was extremely painful, sitting next to the person you love for hours at a time, watching them waste away from the poison you voluntarily pump into their blood. I don't know if the treatment just hastened it, but she passed away. I managed to use my few church ties to get her a spot in Union Cemetary, she would've liked that spot. She always had an affinity for Ash trees. I don't know why I'm telling you this or where it came from. I just finally had to let someone else know my story. I'm once again back to a solitary life of zero meaningful interaction with others, with the added sting of having an empty spot where the bed used to be warm. It hurts and I hope no one else has to deal with this. Oh, one last thing. Her name was [Redacted].
After being destroyed by multiple relationships, watching the one i love tear my heart of my chest and crush her barely feeling a thing. being ridiculed by everyone, even professors on campus, and helping those around me into successful relationships, being left on my own to reflect on the fact that even though i am a successful college student, i will never be allowed to be happy, i ask the question, what does life have to offer me any more? Why should i put up with being a tool who is nice to everyone around him because i have been hurt, being used then being thrown aside as trash by people who call themselves my friends. Why should i put up with being used and dragged through the mud? i have a good job, i have had many pains, but when everyone that can be against you seems to be, then what business do i have on this earth?
Before We Assume Our Respective Roles in This Enduring Drama, Just Let Me Say That When these Frail Shadows We Inhabit Now Have Quit the Stage We’ll Meet and Raise a Glass Again Together in Valhalla
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